Thursday, January 12, 2006

Let Me Tell About My Operation

Yesterday was the "big day". I had my very first colonoscopy. I feel like a child who has just discovered mud.

It started off at 6 AM (not my best hour) by having to drink three more glasses laced with what I found to be a repulsive tasting "Fleet". It was all I could so to get them down but being the stalwart person that I am I managed. Then it was multiple trips you know where.

As I may have mentioned before love of my life has NO sense of time and prescribes to the Gandolf theory in Lord of the Rings, "A wizard is never late but arrives just when he should". So when the 10 o'clock departure time arrived so we could be at the hospital in Mt. Airy at 11, I start having visions of hearing, "Sorry your late, now we have to reschedule" and going through the prep thing all over again. Did I mention it rainy and foggy yesterday and driving on these mountain roads would be slow? We made it with several minutes to spare.

The usually check in ensued. I got the cute little plastic bracelet, was asked my name and what I was there for several times. Then there was the "have you had" check list. While this was going on the needle sticking lady was doing her thing. She was the best, I hardly felt it. Needless to say by this time I was attired in one of those open back hospital gowns but I really didn't much care because whatever they were pumping into my veins was very calming.

Away we went to the procedure room with my expecting to sink into oblivion at any moment. It didn't happen. I was having pleasant conversation with the two nurses attending. I mean it was surreal. We're talking about what a charming little town Mt. Airy is and Doc Appler is blowing his nose and scratching his ear and talking about how to remove rust from a bicycle. So he unloads two hypodermics of what I hoped was the good stuff into the tube leading to my wrist. I commented on the foul taste of Fleet and the Doc says, "That's not the usual complaint". More conversation about the rusty bicycle and he says, "OK, roll on your side so you can see the TV". And then, my friends, the show began!

Now this is where I got the idea for a new reality show! I saw the whole thing and I have such beautiful intestines. I caught the action when the several polyps were snipped by this claw like thing. And it was flatulence in reverse because air is used to inflate this internal prophylactic. When the gas like pains got really intense Doc decided to call it quits. But other than the pain which everyone I've talked to about this failed to mention I was truly enjoying the show.

I got dressed and saw the pictures they took and was told what they clipped out was no big deal and come back in ten years. Of course Wanda said maybe I should do it again in five. I think ten will be soon enough.

Golden Coral is not my idea of fine dining but you can eat all you want and after not having anything since the previous day and that was only an egg and toast it was the eatery of choice and I ate until I stopped. In between courses I would run to the men's room to expel the air with which I had been earlier blessed. I think the Golden Coral staff thought I was doing the purge trick which in a way I was and they should have been happy I was doing it in the men's room.

So there you have it. It was all I expected and even more. Fun, no, but I have an intense feeling of relief knowing that all is well with my lower digestive tract and the proper method if I ever need to remove rust from a bicycle.


Blogger Bonita said...

I'm glad you have been so candid here - what an uncommon experience. And, I doubt I'll ever do it. I would throw up the 'Fleet'.

9:27 AM  
Blogger GUYK said...

LOL I have had a couple of these and the first one I saw on the screen. The last one they gave me one of those doses of "you will not remember anything" and I woke up after it was over and the last thing I remember I was talking to this cuty about going fishing. The first thing I remeber when I woke up was that she told me I had a nice ass. Damn. Wish I could have taken her fishing.

10:47 AM  
Blogger The MacBean Gene said...

Well, Bonita, there's always "the gallon method" which sounded much worse then the Fleet.
Nobody told me I have a nice ass which I think I have and so does Wanda. Just goes to show you the difference in locations; there, fishing, here, rusty bicycles!

11:03 AM  
Anonymous SK said...

Sorry, couldn't warn about the pain...they knocked me out and I never felt anything til I woke up starving:)

9:51 AM  

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